I confess that I have ghosted a guy I dated. Why? We met to have ‘the talk’. He told me he wanted nothing ‘serious’, and would prefer if I only ‘visited’ and left in the morning.
I never wanted anything like that, and I told him that when we first met. However, I guess he had his fun and only wanted to keep me on his speed dial list. Anyway, I didn’t want to do it, but I felt it was better than a long conversation about how he hurt me and why we should never see one another again, and an awkward goodbye.
My heart was broken. I haven’t dated anyone since. Its been almost 5 years. In that time I’ve changed my life, focused less on romance and more on my career and helping others. Although I have seen him since. The feelings I felt for him when we first met sadly still remain, so although I always suggest when we communicate that we “should hang out sometimes”, I don’t really mean it. People treat one another like they are disposable nowadays. It is an unfortunate reality. I wish people were more responsible with one another and realized the gravity of their actions.
In any case, all’s well that ends well. I am now in law school, focusing on human rights, and trying to mend what’s broken within the framework of the law. Sometimes I ghost people who treat me badly, but I endeavour to treat those who care for me, with love and respect. I stay in touch with people i’ve met across the world, who I don’t have a hope of meeting again. However, our connection remains strong.
As a woman (who dates women) from a generation where we actually learned the fine art of the breakup, I was disgusted to learn about “ghosting” and the “slow fade” well before it ever happened to me personally.
Yet, over time I’ve come to accept it as something that is here to stay. On the surface it seems rude, but what is the alternative? Ask for second date and get excuses back why she’s really busy? Or even worse, get a cold reply with specific reasons why she thought you were an awful date?
I try to rise above doing the ghosting to others, but when I get ghosted, I know it just simply means that “she’s not that into me” and that’s okay. It frees me up to chase someone else until I meet someone who picks up their phone frequently in anticipation of my message and is delighted when she gets one.
I was seeing this guy who I was beginning to think could become something more, especially after “dating” for close to 5 months.
We texted daily, phone calls almost every night, good morning messages, good night as well. First and last person I spoke to to start and finish my day.
We were texting one night, where he told me how perfect I was. The next day, after a long day, I texted him and never received a message back, I found this very weird. Called him the next day, he wouldn’t pick up.
Gave him a few days to maybe “cool off” from whatever was going on and called him again, voicemail once again.
After days of trying I finally got him to pick up the phone to be told that he was busy and would get back to me later.
Later never came. I just gave up. No sense going after someone who was clearly done with me. It hurt.
Last year I was ghosted after dating a boy for about 2 months. We’d met on tinder, had a mutual attraction, and clicked immediately on our first date (at an art gallery happy hour event). He was cute, fun, dressed well, and had a great smile. We had great conversations and there was always more to discuss between us. We met each other’s friends. He told me personal stories about his family. We hung out multiple times a week, and I usually stayed the night at his place afterwards. The baristas at our neighborhood coffeeshop (we lived just a 6 minute walk apart) got used to seeing us come in together in the mornings.
I thought we had potential together. I had real feelings for him, and he indicated it was mutual. We hadn’t ever fought, or even really disagreed about anything that I know of, at that point. But one Friday night I was leaving a concert with girlfriends, and texted him to meet up. I never heard back.
We had been seeing each other for six months, and I had come to feel that we were so perfectly matched. Intellectually, socially, sexually. It wasn’t a fairytale, but it felt as though it was. I allowed myself to relax into it because he had told me that he loved me, and that was my permission, right? I often cooked dinner at his house, but I never got to meet his family. We went to plays and events and movies, but he never came to my place. He would call me at all hours, wanting my voice, my company, my help, my advice. I felt wanted, needed, loved, and understood.
And then it stopped.
I went on holidays for 4 weeks – a trip he refused to join me on – and halfway through, he stopped communication. No more replies to emails or texts. I tried to call and he didn’t pick up. It wouldn’t be an understatement to say that it broke my heart. Chewed it up.
When I returned, it was another 2 weeks before he texted me to say “So, you’re back”. I think that by then I knew it was not worth asking for an explanation. If I had pushed for any answers it would have been the “crazy” behaviour he needed to dismiss me. So I just told him that I was disappointed with his behaviour & I wanted my stuff back.
I lost 8kgs, many nights of sleep, and a pair of pliers that he didn’t return. Looking back now, it was worth it, to be rid of him.