Long Past Dead

We had been seeing each other for six months, and I had come to feel that we were so perfectly matched.  Intellectually, socially, sexually.  It wasn’t a fairytale, but it felt as though it was. I allowed myself to relax into it because he had told me that he loved me, and that was my permission, right?  I often cooked dinner at his house, but I never got to meet his family.  We went to plays and events and movies, but he never came to my place.  He would call me at all hours, wanting my voice, my company, my help, my advice.  I felt wanted, needed, loved, and understood. 
And then it stopped. 
I went on holidays for 4 weeks – a trip he refused to join me on – and halfway through, he stopped communication.  No more replies to emails or texts.  I tried to call and he didn’t pick up.  It wouldn’t be an understatement to say that it broke my heart.  Chewed it up.  
When I returned, it was another 2 weeks before he texted me to say “So, you’re back”.  I think that by then I knew it was not worth asking for an explanation. If I had pushed for any answers it would have been the “crazy” behaviour he needed to dismiss me. So I just told him that I was disappointed with his behaviour & I wanted my stuff back.  
I lost 8kgs, many nights of sleep, and a pair of pliers that he didn’t return.  Looking back now, it was worth it, to be rid of him. 
Advertisements

The Polite Thing.

I was ghosted once. We had already slept together, he would send me photos of the new shirt he bought for work. I’d send him photos of beautiful sunsets from my bike ride home. We’d hung out several times but he was slow to make a move. Maybe he wasn’t totally attracted to me. Maybe he didn’t have the heart to end things and deal with confrontation.

I’d ask of weekend plans and he’d skirt the issue by saying he would be in the wood shop. I’d offer my availability but the concreteness of our plans became more and more abstract. Eventually, I just stopped hearing from him. I distracted myself with other dates but eventually decided that I deserve better. I deserve a response from him, or I deserve some type of closure.

So I wrote him a message, too long for texting so I sent it on OKC simply asking for a goodbye. That’s all I wanted. It seemed like the polite thing for him to do.

Within 10 minutes I received a text from him, apologizing. Claiming that his past relationship left him acting like a 7th grader and that clearly he had more growing to do. He offered friendship. I declined and simply moved on.

Sent from my iPhone

[Update]: We here at ‘On Ghosting’ love hearing about ghostees finding the strength to move forward and wanted to share that the writer of this submission was married on Saturday August 6th, 2016 (one day before we originally shared her story)!).  She says that after A LOT of online dating, each failed attempt at love helped give her clarity around who she is and the type of person she wanted to be with. Congrats!

Poofers

We always call them poofers. I know not why people do this. The last one I had, probably 2014, kept saying he really wanted to meet me. (Match.com) We finally set a date and just before, poof, he sent an email saying it wasn’t a good time in his life… He was questionable from the get go.

Another one I connected with on millionaire.match. He was a retired Raytheon exec. We emailed, chatted via phone, he suffered a ski injury, we chatted more, connected on LinkedIn, talked about meeting for lunch then poof!

I live in SLC and was in my late fifties when the above transpired. I dated lots of retired men from Park City and poofers all!

I spent most of ten years single online dating. Finally at 60, I met my partner and we are getting married this year. We give hope to our single friends.

“Changed My Mind”

I’ve been ghosted before- but have never ghosted myself. 
I was in a committed relationship with the person that ghosted me. I flew down to see him in Louisiana- and when I got off the plane back to my home state- he had blocked me on everything. The only explanation I had gotten was “I had changed my mind”. 
However, ghosting- to me- is a direct reflection of one’s emotional security. 
That’s it.

No Response…Is a Response.

It happens to me a lot. I dont think i really do anything out of the ordinary. Ive tried dating online, its happened quite a bit, almost every time ive gotten a response actually. I think its because they see no reason to give a “No thanks, not interested”  and dont want to be a ass.   So ive adopted the philosophy, “no response, is a response”. So…i dont date online. Tinder is a joke…in my city.(indianapolis)…any response ive EVER gotten…has ended up being someone ready with a url to their…cam site. So i stopped that too.

So..dating online has become kind of a joke. Half personalities putting their best representative self  forward as a sales pitch…not prepared for anything less than someone elses best representative pitch.  ….but honesty seems to be a red flag....a disarming unexpected truth or something. 

I dont know. Im long winded. In a ridiculously low part of my life.    But the “no response, is a response” thing…has kept me from pursuing things that were probably best left un-pursued.

Wasting time and effort on someone who didnt like some detail of my actual personality…but were too wrapped up in the game of “best physical/financial mate”…. To realize the games futility when finding meaning.

Sorry its not really a story…more of a perspective.
My stories are all the same…get a response…
Do the back and forth…i send a response….nothing in return.
Im too shy to actually approach women in real life…without a proper reason or circumstance.   

Anyways…enough from me.
Hope this was some sort of help.

I wish you the best,
-matt

I Ghosted Once.

I ghosted once. It was about 3 years ago and I still feel guilty about it. We met for coffee, then halfway through coffee he asked if I was up for an adventure and took me to an improv show around the corner. I didn’t think we hit it off, but the date was fun. He asked me out again and I told him I was busy (which was true, I was going to school full time and working full time). He texted me constantly. I think I may’ve tried a second date if it weren’t for being bombarded with texts. At first I sent delayed responses, but it got to be too much, and I didn’t have the guts to tell him that I didn’t think there was any romantic spark between us. Instead I just stopped responding. After a few days of my unresponsiveness he sent me a text telling me that he got the hint that I wasn’t interested, but he thought I was a great girl and he’d be there if I wanted to be friends. Maybe I wouldn’t have felt guilty about it if he’d just stopped texting me, but that last text effectively stopped me from ever ghosting again.

Sent from my iPhone

[Intro] Let’s Talk About the White Ghost In The Room

As Aziz Ansari quips, gone are things like the phone call when questions like “Want to hang out sometime?” demand an immediate response.

Instead, texting buys time and the anxiety of waiting for the ellipsis to end is what keeps us hanging on.  Maybe this will be the clever, romantic one liner we’ve been waiting for-the one where they show that they care.

Except it isn’t.  So your response back isn’t.  But that’s ok, it’s too soon.  No hard feelings.

And just after you’ve told them about your family, your siblings, the chic coffee shop on your street corner, your career goals, and the first three digits of your social security number, they’re gone as quick as they came.


Have you ever ghosted or have you been ghosted? Submit your story to be featured! Subscribe to receive one weekly post every Sunday in your inbox.